Thursday, November 10, 2011

Heavy boots..

My boots are heavy today. There is not one thing I can pinpoint as the issue here. I think its more of a combination of all sorts of small things. I miss my friends, my community. You see, I moved to Rockport a few months ago (my parents house, yes I know, I'm too old) as kind of a transition place. I'm still not transitioning to anything or anywhere. My life is considerably different than how I assumed it would be right now. Thats what happens when you assume, I've been told. But, alas, I am here. I'm not being a productive person in society or for the Kingdom and I think I struggle with that, not being productive. I have a life that has been given to me, and I have every intention of using it to the fullest that God can use me. Its hard not knowing how to use it, being scared you might waste it with mediocrity. I have never struggled with these things before now. I've always had something to do, a mission to be on. Maybe this is also a lesson, which is good, lessons are always good. But its still hard, you know? I still miss my friends. Inside jokes. Laugh fests. Dinner nights. Movie nights. Hang out nights. All of it. Even fights because it meant I was in close enough proximity to see the messy part of someone and vise versa. I've had most of these friends for the past 6 years! I miss them. I don't believe "miss" accurately relates the degree in which I long to be with them all again. Even the ones I didn't know all that well. Its hard pressing on with out a physical group of friends walking along side you. Sometimes if I'm not careful I feel alone. I may be lonely but I'm never alone. And sometimes I forget that his company is just as much offered as my friends. And its not that I didn't seek his company before, its just different with no one around. His peace is lasting and more meaningful, eternal. Maybe this is a lesson as well. Relying on him in new ways. Not allowing friends to be a crutch. That is good. Hard to remember sometimes. But, oh, so good. He is Good. The following verse is one of my favorite promise from the mouth of Christ himself. It has sustained me well as of late. "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid."-John 14:27. I will receive your peace, my Christ. Thank you, eternally grateful.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Our condition...

It seems a common theme, our condition, in this season in my life. I had the pleasure of being close with one of the most dearest people in the world. In this closeness his brokenness has been revealed and it breaks my heart. I see how this brokenness effects his view of himself, others and Christ, most importantly. Which, of course, a broken view of Christ leads to a whole new mess. This hurt in his life seems to have stemmed from how his broken father related to him. Its a shame, this cycle of passed around hurt. Gosh, what I wouldn't do to fix this brokenness for him. I think that this also is the heart of the Father. He would do anything to save us from ourselves. And he has, in Christ Jesus. He has pulled out all the stops from the beginning of time to this moment. The only thing left undone is forcing us to accept, which he will never do because then we would no longer be free lovers. There have been a great many times in my life where sin has caused me to see Christ incorrectly. Most of the time I was completely oblivious to it until things were out of hand anyway. Tragic, that is. The worst was guilt and shame. I was so busy trying to hide it and protect myself from consequence that it built walls of rock and concrete between my heart and my Jesus. Who knew? It took me a couple years to figure that one out. But when I did, gosh, I could have slapped myself hundreds of times. My pride protecting my shame only kept the grace of God out. Stupid. The second I let go of all of that the world around me and inside of me changed. And it keeps doing so every time I choose to see God rather than sin. He sure does have it all figured out. I picked up the books "Knowledge of the Holy" by A.W. Towzer and "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller. Who knew how well these books go together. Previous to these I read The Shack for the second time and the first two books of the Chronicles of Narnia series. It seems strange to me how God can purpose timings of books I want to read for the path He has me on. I've had some of them for a while sitting on my shelf wanting to be read and not being. But now I am and the timing is perfect. It seems as thoug He's taking me on a journey of self-sorting and knowing to bring about a more clear view of who He truly is. Its funny how easily we muddy that up. I'm excited for this Journey because what comes to mind when I think about God is the most important thing about me, says Towzer and I believe him, fore it effects the whole rest of my life. Bring it on. Pray for me?

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Good grief Charlie Brown...

Thats about how I feel right now. All my insides are mixie'd. This is a very interesting place in life for me. So many things are unknown. I have no job, and need one. I'm graduating and I have know idea what I want to do now because I don't know what I'm called to do. And I only wanna do what I'm called to do. I wanna speak, but who listens?

In times like these its easy to forget that God has got it all worked out and that I'm am right on track, his track, its just not for me to see yet. I'm not merely floating in life lost without a life jacket, I'm being led by the hand of my creator and he's got the map right now. This waiting period is interesting. I wonder what he's finishing in me before we move on to the next thing. What is he preparing me for? When we are waiting on the Lord with the Lord, time is never stagnant. We're not merely bumps on a log but we're talking a walk. We are seeing things, learning things, knowing things as we are on our way to our next stop. Where shall it be? What will I do? Who knows, but God? It really is irrelevant because I know that whatever it is I will be with my God and any place that is will be good, not always easy, this I know, but good. I'd rather be in a dessert with him than the Promised Land with out him and I'm in good company with that conviction.

Can't wait to see what he has in store for me, Kacey May.