Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Truth be told...

I'd be lying if I told you everything has been easy as pie, or gravy. But turns out it hasn't. The city is wonderful and a host of a great many things to do. This is the problem. Hardly any of those are things that I would want to do by myself. There are so many restaurants I want to try, shows I want to see. Here, I am painfully aware that I am new and I am far, far away from my community and family. From friends I can just call up and say, "hey, lets do lunch!" or "Lets go see Lion King on Broadway!" OR LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON. I have began to make friends and a few that I am SUPER excited to see where our friendship takes us in this city! But not quite a community and not quite close enough to just call up. I have no doubts that I will get there eventually, that I will settle in and find my niche because I know this is where he wants me. (Speaking of niches and nooks...I'm sitting at a coffee shop called Penny House Cafe and I think I found my homey neighborhood coffee...that is a great find for me in settling). So as I was speaking of my insecurities and loneliness to my besty Katie today, I felt a little lighter being able to externalize my internals. Ya know what I mean? I finished our convo and came in enjoyed my chai and bagel and relaxed. I started reading this book she loaned me called "Out of Solitude" by Henri J.M. Nouwen. It dropped some truf on me fa sho. He opens with scripture from Mark's Gospel, the story of Jesus going out to a lonely place to pray. And then he dives into the work that God does when we seek him, when we find those places of solitude to allow him to center us and focus us on whats really good and really right. He talks about how our lives are centered around actions but should be conversely centered around stillness and Christ and when they are our actions become an overflow of good rather than empty. It so makes sense and I have many stories to prove it in my own life. He talks about how in our business and action we start to believe that that is our worth and how when we believe that we have to live up to certain expectations. I can keep going on and on about the good things he called attention to but I wont. You'll just have to read it. The point of me telling you all of that is that having read that I have a renewed sense of my worth being here. Its not in my actions that I have enjoyment or worth but In Christ. I may be lonely but I am not alone and God does some crazy work when I allow myself to be undistracted for a time. I am ready to tackle this lonely season now because I can't wait to see what God does as I sit and listen. I can enjoy myself here, by myself, because my joy does not have to come from external motions and actions. That is great thing to be reminded of. I knew all these things before, but its easy to lose sight of truth when you surrounded by doubt...

I can have joy on a Friday night in the city as I sit alone. I can have joy as I sit alone in the subway on my way to central park by myself. Because truthfully, I'm not alone. I take a deep breath. Let it out. Smile. And continue this day renewed and encouraged by the greatness of what God offers. The peace. True peace. I am grateful. "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as this world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." John 14:27. "You are my servant, I have chosen you and not cast you off. Fear not for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." -Isaiah 41:9-10 (sidenote on the Isaiah scripture, as I finished reading in O.O.S. I opened my bible randomly just to see what comes up. This is what I open to. And my page marker is here which is strange because I remember mostly putting it into my place that I left off in 2 Corinthians yesterday...I was affirmed, again, in His word that he is with me and he is sustaining. This time was good)

2 comments:

  1. "but its easy to lose sight of truth when you surrounded by doubt...", well said.

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  2. I really appreciate your honesty and conviction. Embracing the journey is a difficult thing, but refreshing and encouraging to others in community. Thanks for sharing!

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